As a reader I tend to stick with nonfiction, history, periodicals and well, Twitter. However, I’m not one to turn down the offer of a book club, even if the material is exclusively of the self-help/professional development variety. And so, ever so slightly outside of my reading comfort zone is how I ran into “Never Eat Alone” by Keith Ferrazi.
The book purports to instruct the reader in exactly what the title implies, to be social at all times. This is not sociability for the sake of a consistent water-cooler presence, but rather for the sake of one’s personal goals and the betterment of society as a whole.
As a comfortable introvert, I was not very enthused about this book. I am a person that enjoys my solace, and the time I employ within it. Whether I treat that time with prodigal abandon or parsimonious pittance it’s mine to jealously guard and dispense. Understanding this about myself actually made me pretty excited to read a book that would challenge that basic personal preference.
Mr. Ferrazi has three distinct narratives.
The first narrative:
This narrative is reminiscent of Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People”; it’s approachable, honest, and inspiring. It’s important to remember that this narrative is the foundation of the author as a person, despite Mr. Ferrazi’s outstanding life experiences – where he comes from resonates with many of us.
Keith Ferrazi hails from an immigrant family, his father was a steel worker and his mother labored as a cleaner. His family was not affluent, but they were dedicated to the success of their children. Keith’s father went so far as to insist and persist in attaining an audience with the owner of the very plant he worked at. He was so persistent that naturally, he succeeded. With this meeting his father humbly requested an endorsement for his son to be able to attend a local private school that happened to be one of the best in the country because, “…the worst that could happen, is you’re told no.”. The result was a scholarship for young Keith to the exclusive school. This enrollment helped pave the way for further successes and lessons in his life. This is not unlike the British experience where schools like Eaton, Harrow and Winchester prepare future global leaders for college and beyond. Despite (or because of) the Anglo verisimilitudes of Keith’s experience, readers can easily pull from his autobiographical account a truly American touch. It represents our best intentions for the kind of chance and opportunity we hope is available to everyone, no matter their background – and as Keith maintains throughout the book, it is!
The second narrative:
The next narrative Mr. Ferrazi uses is grating for the average reader, and as Mr. Ferrazi himself points out several times throughout his book, and in recorded public presentations, it’s the manifestation of his insecurities. That said, it’s still also his reality – Mr. Ferrazi is highly accomplished with a unique background and it shows, so it’s unfortunate that it comes out extra thick in his writing (but perhaps it’s better that it should). In the following excerpt Keith describes the importance of inviting at least one ‘anchor tenant’ to your dinner parties. An anchor tenant is a person that has valuable connections, interesting experiences and interesting things to talk about. With that Keith goes on to describe the perfect draw down to the evening:
At about this time, the music that’s been playing on the stereo gives way to a live piano player. I don’t announce this. From the dining room or deck where I serve dinner, guests slowly pick up on the fact that the music coming from the living room has changed. Sometimes it’s not only the piano. I may hire a singer, invite a bunch of young vocalists to come show off, or do a bit more research and find out if there are some local alumni who used to be part of Yale’s renowned singing group, the Whiffenpoofs. For a reasonable fee, the kids are happy to belt out a few old tunes for an old alumnus.”
Ferrazzi, Keith. Never Eat Alone, Expanded and Updated (p. 209). Crown. Kindle Edition.
This is a vastly different universe for most people to consume, it inhabits a plane of existence so far out of touch that my fellow club-readers continually returned to this and other like-illustrations as a bridge too far to cross. In fact they tended to view Keith as untrustworthy! This feeling did not occur in a vacuum, several times throughout the book the reader will receive the impression that Keith is on the hunt for associations. For instance, he advises on the merits of waiting backstage for Arianna Huffington to finish a speech at a TED talk in order to coincidentally run into her for just five minutes. Additionally, as Keith admits, he came to the venue not to only network, but with the exclusive intention/goal to introduce himself to Ms. Huffington and potentially enroll her as an anchor tenant to future dinner parties.
Readers may have trouble looking beyond this narrative. His planning involved in choosing anchor tenants, plotting ambush introductions, and developing vast and valuable networks seemed to many readers to be disingenuous. It was said several times, “…were I to meet him, I can tell I would like him, but I wouldn’t trust him.” However difficult it is to do, I maintain it’s important to consume with this narrative the unbridled honesty that comes with it – these actions are not done covertly – the tactics inhabit two bestselling books! It may be grating, but acceptance in friendship is done with tolerance and caring – which is exactly Mr. Ferrazi’s point.
The third narrative, the narrative of synthesis:
His third narrative, which tied the former narrative’s together and also represent one of the significant pillars of relational competency, is represented by radical vulnerability. Consider this situation: you’re hanging out with someone that you always wanted to meet, you really want to get to know them better on a personal level but the conversation is dull and going nowhere, you have no significant similarities or histories to build on. Instead of allowing the situation to melt into obscurity, give the occasion its moment, reveal your humanity (i.e. What’s really on your mind? Are you stressed? Do you have an injury? Is the health of a family member on your mind?). You may be surprised (or not if you truly think about it) the same thing or some variation is currently occupying your idol’s mind.
One soft example of radical vulnerability that can be trained would be how some people self-deprecate for a laugh – part of the reason an audience laughs is because they understand the deprecation on a personal level. It has a wider audience than the fellow owning it, and owning it is implicitly an act of care and thoughtfulness.
That’s what Ferrazi is getting at, caring. Indeed, caring and thoughtfulness are the gold and silver currency of networking according to Mr. Ferrazi. Some people work with a different fiat, and those folks should still be engaged (but their currency will not go far). As Keith points out, you should give without keeping score, but do not be a doormat or harbor resentment – just move on, eventually your relationship bank should stop collecting the paper fiat and give more business to those dealing in specie. Write thoughtful letters, remember birthdays, make constant touches to help the association along. While Keith’s tactics appear disingenuous, the act of reaching out and checking on someone’s health, or resolving someone’s concern is (regardless of ulterior motives) a kind and thoughtful action. The act of caring knows no economic status, it’s valued by all and I agree with Mr. Ferrazi that it should be employed liberally in acquaintanceship.
“Your life does not belong to you, it belongs for the service of others.”
— This is not a quote from Mr. Ferrazi’s book, but it’s a quote I heard once that reminds me of this Carnegie/Ferrazi philosophy.
Overall I enjoyed Keith Ferrazi’s book, from start to finish. Those narratives that were difficult to swallow only belie an insecurity in the reader, betraying their sensitivity to announced opulence (a natural and American reaction). Beyond the offending narrative there remains the same philosophy Carnegie espoused, that is, care for your fellow person. Be thoughtful, be resolute, be generous, we can all contribute to a better society, and we can all help each other to do so.
Keith’s books “Never Eat Alone” and “Who’s Got Your Back”, personal website and professional website.
The Grade:
This is not a book I expected to like, so in my scoring it gets extra credit for decimating preconceived notions.
Style – 0.8
Content – 1.1
Control – 0.8
Share Value – 1.1
Extra Credit – 0.5
4.3 out of 5
Grade Values:
Style – The prose of the author. Their narrative, structure, wit, all things that captivate the reader.
Content – The object of conversation, relevancy, coverage and conclusions.
Control – The author’s use of space. Brevity and detail.
Share Value – The value in discussing and sharing book’s contents.
Extra Credit – The last vestige of an indecisive grader assigning points irresponsibly like a tyrant.